Step 4: Make Contact

Soyou’ve finished writing your profile. You’ve revised it three times. Yourfriends have edited it. You’ve run it through a spell check. It’s fresh, funny,and appealing. You run a quick search and find the perfect match. What now?

First,lower your expectations. I mean it, lower them. Now. That perfect match you’vefound probably won’t write you back at all and is unlikely to be a perfectmatch anyway. No matter how great someone’s profile seems, you have no ideawhether there is real potential. They may have lied in their profile. They maybe an asshole or a flake or a nut job. They may be stuck on some former loveror be unsure of their sexuality or live with their mother. You know nothingabout them except what they have chosen to write in answer to an online questionnaire.

So do not start imagining engagement rings or sexual ecstasy orchubby babies or whatever it is that constitutes your image of romantic bliss.You’ll drive yourself crazy with people who fail to respond or fail to be whoyou thought they’d be. All you need to do right now is identify and contactpeople who might be OK to meet on a date.

[Pedanticaside: I hate using the grammatically incorrect plural pronoun instead of “he”or “she”, but it’s the best way keep my comments gender neutral.]

Personalization

Apersonalized message that specifically addresses the contactee’s profile ismore likely to get a response. Think about thank you notes: you can tell whenyou get a generic one. It’s the same way with online dating. A generic messagemeans that you don’t give a shit. It suggests that you’ve sent the same messageto hundreds of others. So take a few minutes to actually read the profile ofthe person you want to contact. Tell them what appeals to you about theirprofile. Comment on your similarity to them. Make a joke that referencessomething they wrote. You can even riff on their profile a little.

Compliments

Usethem. They will make the person you’re contacting feel good about themselveswhich will make them feel good about you. But don’t go overboard. “Your profilemade me laugh” is acceptable; “I can’t stop thinking about you” is not. Show thatyou’re interested but not overenthusiastic.

Humor

EmphaticYES if you can manage it, but don’t drive yourself crazy by trying to find theperfect joke.

Length

Nottoo long. Not too short. You want to show interest but not too much interest. Ageneric one line message implies that you don’t really care or didn’t read theprofile. It also doesn’t give the person you’re contacting much material towhich to respond if they choose to write back. On the other hand, if you writea novel, you’ll seem like you’re trying too hard. I usually write two or threelines in which I try to either compliment the woman I’m contacting or make ajoke that references her profile.

Contact Info

Firstname only. If you send a phone number, you put pressure on the other person togive you personal information before they’re ready, and you may be perceived ascoming on too strong. Plus, you should be cautious yourself and avoid givingaway personal information until you feel comfortable with the other person. See Safety Stuff . Some people only write a firstinitial. I don’t know why. A first name doesn’t give anything away, and initialsseem impersonal to me.

[TR: I seephone numbers and personal e-mail addresses in the initial contact as not onlypresumptuous, but desperate. You don’t even know my name and you’re giving meyour phone number? Is that so that I can hear you awkwardly scramble to type inmy moniker if I do call while you try to figure out who you’re actually talkingto? Not that I would call you.]

Winking

Don’tdo it. A wink means that you’re cheap, poor, or a mass-mailer. If you have nomoney, and it’s the only way to get in touch with someone, it’s better thannothing, but a message is always better. A lot of people don’t even look atwinks. Even people who do look at winks will feel more favorable toward apersonalized message.

[TR: I’ve onlyresponded to one wink, and that was when I first started out. If you wink on pay-per-contactsite you’re basically saying, “I won’t use a credit to contact you, but I’mhoping you’ll use one to contact me.”]

The Numbers Game

Inorder to help manage your expectations, I advise you never to contact only oneperson. When you do that, it’s all too easy to pin your hopes on a singleprofile, and that’s a recipe for e-dating frustration. I try to arrange it sothat I’m writing several people at the same time. That way, as some of theminevitably fail to work out, I still have options to keep me optimistic.

Itcan be hard to manage that, though, because you don’t know how many people willrespond to your contacts. Sometimes, no one responds, and I get frustrated.Sometimes, everyone responds, and I have trouble keeping them all straight.

[TR: My friendkeeps an Excel spreadsheet that lists who, when, whose turn it is to write, andhow long since the last contact.]

Mass Mailing

I’mway too particular about women to use this strategy, and I think it brings downthe quality of the e-dating experience, so I don’t support it. But I understandthat it can work if numerous responses are your objective. Mass-mailingsubstitutes quantity for quality. Forget personalization and humor.Mass-mailers try to generate dates simply by contacting a lot of people.

[TR: Unlessyou’re incredibly crafty with words, the people who receive your mass mailingwill be able to tell it’s a mass mailing. So, realize that the people whorespond are going to be equally as unselective as you are. You decide if that’sgood or bad.]

Women And Men

Should women contact men? Ofcourse. It’s the 21 ^st century. I’ve been on far more dates withwomen who have contacted me than with women I’ve contacted. E-dating is equalopportunity. (I do not, however, advise women to be aggressive. Some thingshaven’t changed, even in the 21 ^st century.)

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