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Step 7: The Phone Call

Onceyou feel comfortable enough with your correspondent, or perhaps when you feelthat the email dialogue has gone about as far as it can go, it’s time for aphone call. There is no formula for the number of email messages that must passbefore phone numbers are exchanged. I’ve emailed people for weeks, and I’vereceived a phone number after two messages.

Recently,TR and I determined that neither of us feels comfortable initiating the phonenumber exchange. TR feels that as the woman, she should wait for the man tomake the first move by asking for her phone number. I feel that since the womanis in a more vulnerable position, I should respectfully wait until she feelscomfortable enough to send me her number. The moral of the story: initiate aphone call when you’re ready to talk on the phone. Otherwise, you might end upwaiting for someone who is waiting for you.

Ifyou’re a woman, just send your number, and ask the guy to give you a call. Ifyou’re a guy, send your number but offer to call her if she sends you yours.There is no reason that women shouldn’t call men, but since that diverges fromtypical gender roles, the idea of calling men makes some women uncomfortable.In truth, the idea of calling women makes most men uncomfortable too, butsomeone has to call someone, and when in doubt, fall back on tradition.

Beforeyou make the call, make sure that you have at least half an hour available toget acquainted. There is usually only one phone conversation before the firstdate, so you need enough to time to make each other comfortable. If possible,don’t call from a cell phone. Interference and dropped connections may not be abig deal when you’re talking to a friend, but it’s a poor way to make a firstimpression. If a cell phone is the only convenient option, at least avoidcalling from a public place where background noise will interfere with theconversation.

Ifthe phone call is a good one, you should set up a date at the end of it. As inany dating situation, the role of proposing a first date traditionally lieswith the guy. I wouldn’t mind if a woman were to ask me out on a date, but Idon’t expect her to. I know that if I don’t ask her, there’s a good chance thatthe date won’t happen, so if I want it to happen, I make sure to ask. I’venever had more than one phone conversation before a date—I figure that ifthere’s decent conversational chemistry, it’s worth a date—but that doesn’tmean there’s anything wrong with taking your time and having more than onephone conversation before dating if that makes you more comfortable. But becareful boys, if you tarry too long, the girls might think that you’re eithertoo timid or not interested.

Ifyou’re like me, you’ll feel pressure to ask someone on a date even when thephone conversation is bad. I’m sure that women feel even more pressure toaccept a date when they’re invited. Try to resist that pressure. If you havenothing to talk about on the phone or find each other annoying, chances arethat it will be a bad date, and there’s no reason for either of you to go on abad date. Some people aren’t great on the phone, so you should always give theother person the benefit of the doubt, but you can usually tell the differencebetween people who are shy or nervous and people who just don’t speak yourlanguage. Remember, dating is like gambling; if you have a bad hand, you shouldfold.

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